If at this point in your half-term holiday, you're feeling frazzled, exhausted and wondering why all those plans for a relaxed and happy family week have evaporated, you're not alone. Despite the jolly orange pumpkins and Instagrammable autumn leaves, it can still be a tough time. The darker evenings haven't helped what is for many an unsettled time as we wonder where Covid takes us from here.

Our children are always exhausted when it comes to the October half-term. You may feel that they only just went back, but the transition to a busy school life after the long summer is always a challenge. We can expect our children to be even more drained this year as it's taken more energy to adjust and adapt to a school environment full of new rules and restrictions.

Our fuses may be shorter too. This is completely understandable in these exceptional times. When we feel even a little anxious, it's more likely that our kids will push our buttons. Sibling scraps, screen-time infringements, untidy spaces and unresponsive teens are more likely to get on our nerves. Rather than being the calm, confident and in-charge parent, our reactions can be unhelpful and ineffective, which leaves us feeling tired AND guilty.

We want to spend good quality time with our children, recharge the batteries and just enjoy and embrace the change of pace that a few days away from the routine of school can bring. We know how you feel and here we share our tips to help you reclaim the last few days of family time and get your children back to school refreshed, reconnected and ready for whatever lies ahead.

1. Be realistic. Some of the frustrations and emotion arise when our expectations and reality are out of sync. When we can be proactive and are able to let go of unhelpful expectations, we're more likely to embrace and enjoy the moment. It is said that expectations are disappointments waiting to happen. When our expectations aren't met (why can't they just get along? Why was I not more organised with the food? Why can't they get off their screens? Why can't they just amuse themselves for half an hour so I can finish this work?), we don't feel good.

When we feel let down, anxious or cross, or when we get emotional, our bodies flip into fight, flight, freeze mode – our fuse is shorter, our reasoning less clear and we are certainly less likely to respond calmly and compassionately to our kids.

We can still have high expectations for our children but we need to incorporate a strong dose of reality into the mix and be proactive. For example, some of the pushback we get is because they have a different agenda to ours. It's normal for an eight-year-old to prefer to play Lego than immediately jump up when we ask them to get ready to go to the shops. To expect our child, who may find transitions challenging, to down tools and jump to it to fit into our agenda is unrealistic.

When instead we take the time to prepare them in advance ('We're off at 10. That's in 30 minutes'), calmly empathise that it is tough ('I know you'd rather finish building that car') and respectfully see things from their point of view ('I bet you wish you could stay here on your own'), they're more likely to cooperate. It may take a longer but a little dose of reality may be all we need to remain calm, helpful and compassionate.

1. Have a plan. Prioritising and planning your family time together, even if it's the last few days of half-term, helps ensure that it will happen. Investing energy in setting priorities saves precious time, keeps us on track and reduces family flashpoints. We're not in charge when we're reacting as things happen around us or leave things to chance. Get everyone involved – it's respectful, usually results in lots more fun ideas and helps ensure buy-in while teaching compromise.

It is especially important to plan, communicate and be consistent with screen time. Without a plan set out in advance, it is highly likely you will find kids on screens all over the house – with the inevitable disagreements about where, when and for how long. This usually descends into nagging, repeating and the odd raised voice. Screen time is all about balance and family values. It may be that you decide together in advance that mealtime and bedrooms at night are no-screen zones. A plan includes setting limits consistently and respectfully. For lots more on managing screen time and avoiding the battles, the Parenting Partnership has written a brilliant article on keeping a healthy digital diet this holiday.

Planning and preparation includes anticipating the flashpoints. The response to the cry of 'There is nothing to do in this house (that is not on a screen!)' could be met with an accessible family cupboard designated for 'stuff to do' full of glue, paper, cork, paint, stencils and paint that you've set up together.

Restorative, relationship-building family fun time doesn't always just happen; we need to set up for a successful time together by taking the time to plan, collaborate and to communicate.

1. Be present. In a world where we are over-scheduled and attached to screens, being fully present for our kids becomes more challenging but more important. A holiday at home is a great time to practise. Our family is going to feel calmer and more connected when we know what makes our kids tick, but how are we going to understand the inner workings of their world unless we take it upon ourselves to be present for them? Without presence, how can we ensure that we are curious, interested and fully engaged in their lives?

We know that presence and connection are vital for the wellbeing of our children, and research continues to underscore the importance of our presence in their healthy development.

Dan Siegel and Tanya Bryson' s book The Power of Showing Up draws on the field of attachment research and reveals that parental presence – how a parent is open to and focused on the inner life of the child – is the best predictor of how emotionally and socially resilient a child will be as they develop into young adults. They describe how this parent-child relationship helps foster a secure attachment by providing the four S's of being seen, soothed and safe to cultivate security.

All the research shows that children who have secure attachments are more likely to develop this resilience, which is vital to their health, happiness and success.

It is empowering to know that showing up for our kids has such an impact. If we are rushing from pillar to post during half-term, when we have the greatest chance of being together, we are missing an opportunity to be present.

When we say present, we mean fully present and showing curiosity about what makes our children tick. No multitasking allowed! Scientists have demonstrated that our brains cannot do two things simultaneously; rather, it switches from one task to the next. This switching takes time, energy and comes at the cost of our focus. Saying that we are fully focused and present in the conversation we are having with our son while checking our texts is an impossibility.

Fully present means slowing down, fully engaging and treasuring the moment. We build the connection with our children and deepen the relationship when we send the message that there is nothing else we would rather be doing this half-term holiday than spending time with them.

1. Sort the sibling struggles. All siblings fight and argue. It is a normal and even healthy part of growing up. We can expect that a week or two together may provide plenty of opportunities for sibling outbursts. It's not our job to fix, shut down or mediate every sibling disagreement. That should already help us relax a little! Our job is to be the non-judgmental, objective coach rather than the referee and, as much as we can, let our kids figure it out.

Clearly, we need to intervene if things escalate, but when we ignore the low-level bickering and focus on helping our kids learn rather than giving out the yellow card, they'll take on board that we have faith in their ability to find compromise and solve the problem.

For example: 'I see two kids who want to watch two different films on the same night. I'm in charge of the popcorn. Let me know what you decide before we leave for the park this morning. I'll be in the kitchen if you need my help.'

I used to jump in and accuse my young son of starting almost every altercation – he was more physical and reactive than his younger sisters. Years later, they all let on that most of the time the girls had wound him up – they knew exactly how to set him off and I reacted unhelpfully to his outbursts. If I had taken a deep breath, remained neutral and responded calmly, I could have helped to de-escalate and calm the situation rather than contributing to the heightened emotions and negative feelings.

The best way to handle sibling squabbles is to lessen the chances of them happening in the first place. If we focus our energy on making the most of this holiday time we have together, fully present, calm and connected, it is much less likely that our kids will need to seek attention and have their needs met through heated sibling struggles.

1. This is not about perfection. There is no such thing as a perfect half-term, the perfect parent or perfect kids. It's about good enough, being ourselves and remembering that we are all human. Our kids don't want perfection – they want us.

Being realistic, planning and putting the joy of the moment at the forefront while being present for our kids is a great start. There will always be low parenting moments. When things don't go to plan, when we lose it with our children or perhaps when something else we just must do gets in the way, we can be honest.

'I'm just exhausted. I am sorry that I haven't been there for you today. I am going to get up and finish my work early tomorrow morning. What would you like to do later?' 'Wow, I didn't mean to shout at you. I let my worries get the better of me and I am so sorry.' 'I can see that you're upset. We should have set out clearly what we needed to get done and agreed it well in advance so that you could manage your computer time. Let's make sure that we talk through our weekend plans together.'

When we show vulnerability, we are teaching our kids that it's OK to make mistakes and that we can repair, problem-solve and move on. We are, after all, doing the best we can with what we're working with in the moment.

Finally, when we are realistic and proactively seek joy in the moment with presence we are all much more likely to end the holiday feeling calm, recharged and reconnected.

[i]Many thanks to Heather of Talk Education who contributed this piece for Richmond Nub News.